Eight months ago I got a preview of my new life, but I haven't been able to blog here since then. I wasn't ready to face the price of resurrection - the death of my old life - until a couple weeks ago. I couldn't blog about resurrection while fighting my own.
As I prepared to walk through the valley of that shadow, what gave me strength was a little book I found and read in my car, while my daughter drove us from the Bates House of Turkey in south Alabama to my sister's in-law's beach house in Gulf Shores.
In that book were ideas that seemed radical on the surface yet resonated deeply. Ideas that challenged me to love people enough to weather their disapproval to do what's best for all of us, even if one of those disapproving people IS me. Words that reminded me to use my word to tell the truth that set me and my loved ones free.
I felt I'd never encountered these ideas before. Which is strange, because the book was Accepting Your Resurrection: Reclaiming the Word that Restores Eternal Life. Which I wrote several years ago and began making available through Booklocker.com last year. Ever since that day in the car, I've made this book of mine part of my morning spiritual practice, and I find something new-to-me in it every day.
Its early readers said wonderful things about AYR, but I heard those remarks merely as generous compliments and heartfelt congratulations. But now that I've experienced for myself how helpful - how resurrecting - this book can be for someone facing a death, I get it. I am not my book - raising the book's profile is not about inflating me. I am responsible for bringing you whatever gift you are meant to get from this book. You are free to receive it, or not.
Kathy told me some time ago that completing a creative project is still just half the project. The other half is "stewarding it into the world," as she put it. Self-consciousness robbed me of the ability to sense my duty to make this book available to as many people who need it as possible. The truth is, if people who need it are not made aware of this book, then I am robbing them, NOT practicing humility.
In my resurrected life I have much more time and energy than I've had for quite a while. And I have a new part-time job, which is to spread the word about a terrific little book I began reading on my way to the beach over Spring Break. It's called Accepting Your Resurrection, and I strongly recommend it.
Click through to preview the book and purchase your copy. And when you're done, I'd love it if you'd share your story of resurrection with me.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, August 22, 2008
New Life
Well, appropro to the reason I began this blog, there's all kinds of new life going on at my house. Let's just list them, shall we? We'll go in alphabetical order:
Clinical Coordinator of Youth Programs at Cumberland Heights - that's me as of July 1st. I've had one foot in the new role and one foot in replacing myself as Youth
Family Counselor, until today. Now, Lisa Lafaye Anderson is the new Youth Family Counselor Team Leader, and I'm Clinical Coordinator full time!
Daughters also beginning new lives: We just moved older daughter to college out of town yesterday. Younger daughter just began high school last week.
Graduate school returns to my life after many, many years just 2 months from today.
Mike returns home tonight from out-of-state after being away from home several weeks - as you see from the above, he'll be entering a whole new world. I get to pick him up at airport late tonight!
Piepmeir, Alison - the name of a loved one having a baby in the next 48 hours.
Williams, Debbie - the name of my dear friend who actually had to quote my own book to me the other night as I was processing all of this with her.
Clinical Coordinator of Youth Programs at Cumberland Heights - that's me as of July 1st. I've had one foot in the new role and one foot in replacing myself as Youth
Family Counselor, until today. Now, Lisa Lafaye Anderson is the new Youth Family Counselor Team Leader, and I'm Clinical Coordinator full time!
Daughters also beginning new lives: We just moved older daughter to college out of town yesterday. Younger daughter just began high school last week.
Graduate school returns to my life after many, many years just 2 months from today.
Mike returns home tonight from out-of-state after being away from home several weeks - as you see from the above, he'll be entering a whole new world. I get to pick him up at airport late tonight!
Piepmeir, Alison - the name of a loved one having a baby in the next 48 hours.
Williams, Debbie - the name of my dear friend who actually had to quote my own book to me the other night as I was processing all of this with her.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Making Amends
In my work with families at Cumberland Heights there's a lot of talk about making amends as part of a program of recovery from the family disease of addiction. The assumption is that making amends means changing our behavior toward others in such a way that they feel better about how we treat them. The assumption is that when we change our behavior, people will want to congratulate us. Not always.
While this may be what happens over the long haul, family members of addicts who want to make amends often need to change in ways that displease, frighten or plain infuriate the rest of the family. Those changes may also meet resistance from a society who would rather that families find some way to "control" a loved one, so that society doesn't have to do the hard work of doling out the consequences or meeting the needs created by this disease.
When we say addiction is a family disease, we don't just mean that each member has been affected by the disease. We mean that each family member fits into the disease within the family dynamic in a particular way. An alcoholic must have at least one enabler to practice alcoholism. An abuser must have a victim in order to abuse. A long-suffering "saint" must have at least one person that provides an excuse for martyrdom.
Making amends as a family member means identifying our part and changing how we function in the family. When a family member's part has made life more difficult for others - or has been harmful to them in obvious ways - the changes are usually welcome and may even be celebrated by the family. The alcoholic becomes sober and gets pats on the back. The abuser learns to deal with feelings differently and finds loved ones eager to forgive.
But when a family member's part has worn a "nice" face, making amends doesn't look pretty. I will never forget witnessing a mother who asked her teenage son to forgive her for making him the focus of her whole life. She stated this was too much of a burden for a child, and she was right. But her son didn't want to forgive that - not because he was angry, but because he didn't want that to change! We all shared a good laugh, but it's serious, too. Her request for forgiveness signaled him that she was about to make amends in their family by taking her rightful place in the center of her own life, and this was threatening to her son's old way of living.
If we as family members have attempted to keep our families afloat by being agreeable, walking on eggshells, and generally accepting unacceptable behavior, then we have harmed our families in significant ways. Even when - and sometimes especially when - we have pleased them. We have taught our addicted parents or spouses that we have so little respect for them that we allow them to behave like children instead of partners. We have taught our children that whoever throws the biggest tantrum wins. We have robbed life of whatever gifts we were created to give, because we have used our energies trying to control the uncontrollable.
Making amends for these harms is just as important as changing overtly abusive behavior. We can't co-create healthy families without expecting partnership from partners and teaching children healthy ways to get their needs met. We cannot withhold our feelings and opinions out of fear that an insecure person "can't handle it." But if you are a family member in the midst of changing such behavior, you cannot expect pats on the back and gratitude for your amends. Loved ones usually feel inconvenienced at best and hurt at worst by your improved behavior. They will tell you that you used to be wonderful. They will say you are crazy. Later, they may understand and thank you, or they may never. No matter; it is still your job to offer these very real amends.
In my work I probably sound like a broken record to our families - and to the staff I support, too - when I talk about the importance of self care. Support groups, therapy, a program of exercise, a spiritual practice are just some of the tools available to us. Our families often come to treatment wanting to make sure "the addict" gets these tools, but the family members who need the most support are the ones who must stop the behavior that has made life easier for the disease.
While this may be what happens over the long haul, family members of addicts who want to make amends often need to change in ways that displease, frighten or plain infuriate the rest of the family. Those changes may also meet resistance from a society who would rather that families find some way to "control" a loved one, so that society doesn't have to do the hard work of doling out the consequences or meeting the needs created by this disease.
When we say addiction is a family disease, we don't just mean that each member has been affected by the disease. We mean that each family member fits into the disease within the family dynamic in a particular way. An alcoholic must have at least one enabler to practice alcoholism. An abuser must have a victim in order to abuse. A long-suffering "saint" must have at least one person that provides an excuse for martyrdom.
Making amends as a family member means identifying our part and changing how we function in the family. When a family member's part has made life more difficult for others - or has been harmful to them in obvious ways - the changes are usually welcome and may even be celebrated by the family. The alcoholic becomes sober and gets pats on the back. The abuser learns to deal with feelings differently and finds loved ones eager to forgive.
But when a family member's part has worn a "nice" face, making amends doesn't look pretty. I will never forget witnessing a mother who asked her teenage son to forgive her for making him the focus of her whole life. She stated this was too much of a burden for a child, and she was right. But her son didn't want to forgive that - not because he was angry, but because he didn't want that to change! We all shared a good laugh, but it's serious, too. Her request for forgiveness signaled him that she was about to make amends in their family by taking her rightful place in the center of her own life, and this was threatening to her son's old way of living.
If we as family members have attempted to keep our families afloat by being agreeable, walking on eggshells, and generally accepting unacceptable behavior, then we have harmed our families in significant ways. Even when - and sometimes especially when - we have pleased them. We have taught our addicted parents or spouses that we have so little respect for them that we allow them to behave like children instead of partners. We have taught our children that whoever throws the biggest tantrum wins. We have robbed life of whatever gifts we were created to give, because we have used our energies trying to control the uncontrollable.
Making amends for these harms is just as important as changing overtly abusive behavior. We can't co-create healthy families without expecting partnership from partners and teaching children healthy ways to get their needs met. We cannot withhold our feelings and opinions out of fear that an insecure person "can't handle it." But if you are a family member in the midst of changing such behavior, you cannot expect pats on the back and gratitude for your amends. Loved ones usually feel inconvenienced at best and hurt at worst by your improved behavior. They will tell you that you used to be wonderful. They will say you are crazy. Later, they may understand and thank you, or they may never. No matter; it is still your job to offer these very real amends.
In my work I probably sound like a broken record to our families - and to the staff I support, too - when I talk about the importance of self care. Support groups, therapy, a program of exercise, a spiritual practice are just some of the tools available to us. Our families often come to treatment wanting to make sure "the addict" gets these tools, but the family members who need the most support are the ones who must stop the behavior that has made life easier for the disease.
Friday, July 18, 2008
More on Decisions (Commitment)
An earlier post on this blog marks the day I discovered "Since You Asked," Cary Tennis' online advice column on Salon, and wrote my first gushing fan letter. Since that time, I have written to agree, argue and generally make a nuisance of myself in responding to Cary's responses to readers asking for help. I don't always enjoy the subject of the requests, nor do I always agree with Cary's advice, but I do always trust that his motives are to write well and to be of service while doing so. I like that in a person.
Given that my last post (and in fact, the running theme in my life lately) is about making decisions, I thought I'd point out today's letter on Salon and share part of my response here. I also address this subject in AYR under the chapter "The Resurrection of Perfection."
Speaking of things I'm a fan of, there seem to be more of those lately. More on that next time.
Given that my last post (and in fact, the running theme in my life lately) is about making decisions, I thought I'd point out today's letter on Salon and share part of my response here. I also address this subject in AYR under the chapter "The Resurrection of Perfection."
People fear commitment for a reason - but it's a terrible reason. In any given moment, choosing one thing means missing out on all other things until the commitment is complete. But refusing to choose means you miss all things indefinitely.
Refusing to choose is how we attempt to blackmail the world, which - as Ani Difranco writes in her song, "Joyful Girl" - "owes me nothing, and we owe each other the world..."
It's as if we say, "I won't commit to this project until I am guaranteed that the fruits of that commitment will be deemed worthwhile by the world." "I won't give this gift unless I can count on getting the reaction I want." "I don't want to do this unless you can promise me I will never have a moment of wishing I had done something else with my time, talent & resources."
There is no such guarantee. So let's choose what we wouldn't want to miss creating, even though we will have moments of doubting that it's been worth it.
When I was working on my book, a friend who's produced a lot of solid work (that also happens to be beloved by others) taught me to allow each project to be a spiritual exercise. He said, "I make it my focus to walk all the way through the creative process without abandoning myself in the process."
I believe that's what brings the joy - both for the creator and those who encounter the creator's work.
Speaking of things I'm a fan of, there seem to be more of those lately. More on that next time.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Making Decisions
Rarely have I seen someone so squarely on the fence in making a decision.
My rising 9th-grader was presented an opportunity to go to Texas for a week doing all sorts of things she loves - teaching Vacation Bible School a couple hours each morning, being physically active in service work in the afternoon, singing devotional music with her friends, every night a slumber party, culminating with a day at Six Flags on the way home. Knowing her love of friends and adventure as I do, I'm thinking, "What's to decide?"
But two days after we turned in the registration, we put a hold on it. Her ambivalence was right at 50-50. Both of my daughters have wanted to be at home to an unusual degree this summer, knowing that in just a little over a month Elder Daughter will live away at college.
However, knowing (quite selfishly) that I'd be one of the people living with Younger Daughter's keening sorrow if she passed up this chance, I began trying to talk her out of the ambivalence. But even I knew that if she continued to feel that unsure, I would not put her on the bus. There was a point at which I tried "making the decision for her" to alleviate her anxiety (and mine), but what worked at age 2 or even 10 doesn't always work at 14.
The ambivalence came in the form of what ifs. "What if I get homesick?" and "What if I miss you and Daddy?" were balanced by "What if I'm sad as soon as they drive away without me?" and "What if Friends 1 and 2 get closer on this trip without me and I'll feel left out?" My knee-jerk reaction was to speak as if these fears weren't necessarily realistic, but she remained stuck.
When I realized I was just as stuck as she was, I prayed to be shown if there was any way I could be useful to my daughter in this decision. Clarity came by going counter-intuitive to my knee-jerk reaction. I began to speak in terms of, "Yes, you will feel those things. So let's help you make a plan for how you will take care of yourself when those feelings occur."
Younger Daughter realized that if she chose to miss the adventure, there would not be anything to do for it but feel it. Being an action-oriented adventurous person, this did not appeal.
Younger would be homesick - at least part of the time. But she could feel that AND alleviate it. And that's what she chose to do. She text-messaged her dad, sister and I when she missed us. She told us she missed us, that she wanted to come home, and then she shared what was going on. Then a little while later she'd text to say she felt better and was having fun. It was delightful.
Just another reminder to me that expecting not to deal with difficult feelings makes it harder to make decisions, makes our lives unmanageable. Sometimes sanity, and even fun, comes by accepting that life is difficult.
My rising 9th-grader was presented an opportunity to go to Texas for a week doing all sorts of things she loves - teaching Vacation Bible School a couple hours each morning, being physically active in service work in the afternoon, singing devotional music with her friends, every night a slumber party, culminating with a day at Six Flags on the way home. Knowing her love of friends and adventure as I do, I'm thinking, "What's to decide?"
But two days after we turned in the registration, we put a hold on it. Her ambivalence was right at 50-50. Both of my daughters have wanted to be at home to an unusual degree this summer, knowing that in just a little over a month Elder Daughter will live away at college.
However, knowing (quite selfishly) that I'd be one of the people living with Younger Daughter's keening sorrow if she passed up this chance, I began trying to talk her out of the ambivalence. But even I knew that if she continued to feel that unsure, I would not put her on the bus. There was a point at which I tried "making the decision for her" to alleviate her anxiety (and mine), but what worked at age 2 or even 10 doesn't always work at 14.
The ambivalence came in the form of what ifs. "What if I get homesick?" and "What if I miss you and Daddy?" were balanced by "What if I'm sad as soon as they drive away without me?" and "What if Friends 1 and 2 get closer on this trip without me and I'll feel left out?" My knee-jerk reaction was to speak as if these fears weren't necessarily realistic, but she remained stuck.
When I realized I was just as stuck as she was, I prayed to be shown if there was any way I could be useful to my daughter in this decision. Clarity came by going counter-intuitive to my knee-jerk reaction. I began to speak in terms of, "Yes, you will feel those things. So let's help you make a plan for how you will take care of yourself when those feelings occur."
Younger Daughter realized that if she chose to miss the adventure, there would not be anything to do for it but feel it. Being an action-oriented adventurous person, this did not appeal.
Younger would be homesick - at least part of the time. But she could feel that AND alleviate it. And that's what she chose to do. She text-messaged her dad, sister and I when she missed us. She told us she missed us, that she wanted to come home, and then she shared what was going on. Then a little while later she'd text to say she felt better and was having fun. It was delightful.
Just another reminder to me that expecting not to deal with difficult feelings makes it harder to make decisions, makes our lives unmanageable. Sometimes sanity, and even fun, comes by accepting that life is difficult.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Here's an excerpt from the blog of an 18 year old. What strikes me is that I've met so many people (including the one in the mirror on some days) who are not yet this grown up.
This is at the heart of my work as a person, a wife, a mother and a family counselor. To remember that I need to keep in mind what this young person is realizing; that people have their own stories and feelings, even their own values, and I don't need to assume anything if I want to be useful to them.
...and you know what is weird? i'm just now seeing my sister and parents as separate
from me. like unconsciously i've been self centered, not necessarily in a bad
way, but just like as a little immaturity? i dont know if this will make any
sense.
like i just see my life and how i live it, and i have never really thought about
how my sister's life is different from mine. or my parents'. they all have hard
stuff, personal triumphs and tragedies, things they look forward to or dread,
which may or may not have anything to do with me. before recently i just saw
everything thru my own perspective, how IMPORTANT some relatively small things
are in my life.. without really considering the fact that they are not a big
deal to anyone else but me.
This is at the heart of my work as a person, a wife, a mother and a family counselor. To remember that I need to keep in mind what this young person is realizing; that people have their own stories and feelings, even their own values, and I don't need to assume anything if I want to be useful to them.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
New Developments
Some news brewing - a possibility was brought to my attention last week. Friday it suddenly became a certainty. I will share it here as soon as I have a chance to tell some folks that should hear it first!
Suffice it to say, another death and resurrection.
Which will hopefully give me some time to catch up on sharing a few things between last time I blogged and now. In the meantime, all this dying and resurrecting is wearing me out. Time for sleep.
Suffice it to say, another death and resurrection.
Which will hopefully give me some time to catch up on sharing a few things between last time I blogged and now. In the meantime, all this dying and resurrecting is wearing me out. Time for sleep.
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